It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing
by ILuvCarbyFuzz
Summary: COMPLETED! (YAY!) Carter is still in Africa, and Abby is just ripped apart…Her whole life changes on a girl’s night out with Susan and Chen. Will it stay that way?
1. Hurting Inside

It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing 

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A/N: this is a songfic…song is the title by Shania Twain. I dunno why I got this idea but I did. I am still unsure of its "future" but I should have it all worked out in no time. Meanwhile just RnR!!!! (No flames) and I should mention that Abby and carter might be just an incy weency little bit out of character, but oh well…that stuff isn't suppose to matter.

**Disclaimer: don't own the song, but I do own the fic so STAY OFF!! (lol im just joking…)**

**Summary: Carter is still in Africa, and Abby is just ripped apart…Her whole life changes on a girl's night out with Susan and Chen. Will it stay that way?**

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Chapter 1: Hurting Inside 

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          Yet again another day with no sign of him. No phone call, no letter, no nothing. Abby sighed to herself. "He's still in Africa. He's still in danger. How have I survived without him?" she thought to herself. Suddenly, her thoughts were broken by a cheery Susan. 

          "Hi Abby! How are you?" Susan smiled.

          "Oh hey Susan…" 

          "Abby, come on. You can't be this gloomy all the time. It's only been 6 months…."

          "_Only_ been 6 months!? Susan, how would _you_ feel if the love of your life, your _soul mate_, was lost somewhere millions of miles away from home, probably either starving to death, or dead already! I haven't heard anything from him since the day he left, and you expect me not to worry!?"

          "Okay, Okay…I'm sorry…I didn't mean to say that. I truly am very sorry…I miss him too."

          Suddenly Abby felt just awful for saying that. She knows Susan and Carter are best friends, and she knows Susan was only trying to look on the bright side of the situation. "That's definitely Susan. Always the cheery one. I guess that's why Carter liked her so much." She thought.

          "Hey Abby…I know the perfect thing that will brighten your spirits."

          "What would that be? Cause right now, I don't think anything ever will…"

          "Oh don't be so hard on yourself! I'll go ask Chen and if she says it's cool then we can have a Girl's Night Out. What do ya say?"

          "Oh Susan! Not another Girl's night _out_!"

          Susan chuckled. "Oh come on!! It won't be _that_ bad. I know of an awesome Karaoke place that just opened last week…maybe we could go there."

          "Oh I don't know…."

          "Pleeeeeeease!!" Susan practically begged. "It'll be great!"

          After a moment of thinking, Abby agreed.

          "Great! Thank you so much Abby! And you know what, I'll even buy for you." Susan said as-a-matter-of-factly. "I'll go find Chen."

          "Your welcome! And thanks a lot…for everything Susan."

          "Your welcome."

          "By the way I think she's in trauma 1."

          "Thanks!" Susan yelled, halfway down the hall.

          Abby sighed to herself. This was going to be a _long _night.


	2. They Really Like Me

Chapter 2: They Really Like Me… 

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          "Wow! Susan this place really is great!" Chen exclaimed as her, Susan, and Abby walked into "Pure Talent," the new Karaoke place. 

          "Told ya. I came here opening night, with my friend Erin, and there were so many people here we couldn't even get a table!" The girls looked around the place and found it way bigger than they thought it would be.

          About five minutes later Susan, Abby, and Chen, were seated, and had ordered their dinner. As they listened to the people who were onstage, Abby remembered one of the best days of her life…

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_          "Ooh, ooh!! My favorite song!" Abby yelped. She leaned forward, and turned the volume up on the car radio. She grabbed her hairbrush, which was in the backseat, and started to sing along. Not too far into the song Carter, who was driving, began to laugh._

_          "What?" Abby asked sounding hurt. "Am I really that bad?"_

_          "No Abby, You're really that good! I didn't know you could sing so well!"_

_          "Really?"_

_          "Really, really." They laughed. "You know, you should really dump County and get a performing job. You sound so professional…" By this point Abby was blushing so bad her face burnt._

_          "Carter, you just made my day…I love you so much."_

_          "I love you too Abby…And don't forget what I told you. You'd be big. Trust me."_

_          "I trust you John. And who knows…I might actually make it someday. That is, if I can have to courage to get onto a stage first!" She giggled._

_          "Oh yeah…I forgot that little detail…we'll have to work on that."_

_          "Yeah…we will." She inhaled deeply._

_          She even finished the song. Just for Carter. Carter. What would she do without him?_

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          "Abby? You okay?" Chen asked.

          "Huh? Oh. Oh yeah. I'm fine. Just thinking…that's all."

          "Anything you wanna talk about?" Susan asked sounding concerned.

          "Actually…I will. But not talking, talking…by song."

          She took a deep breath and walked onstage with shaky legs. Why did it suddenly get so cold in here? She asked herself as she shivered. "Come on Abby…you can do this. Do it for him. Do it for Carter. They wont hate you, Carter even said I'd 'make it big someday'" Abby muttered under her breath. She put the song in the CD player, and grabbed the microphone. As soon as she heard the music, she smiled. The audience was listening, taking time away from their conversations to hear her sing. It was just a heart-lifting feeling. And it's just the little things that make someone's heart soar. Susan and Chen were in the audience, smiling like a couple of lunatics, but the fact they were smiling felt so good. "Ok…this is it…" Abby thought as she heard her cue to start singing. The words described the way she was feeling so well, she didn't want to stop. She was even tempted to cry, but thank God that didn't happen.

Hope life's been good to you  
since you've been gone  
I'm doin' fine now--I've finally moved on  
It's not so bad--I'm not that sad  
  
I'm not surprised just how well I survived  
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive  
I can't complain--I'm free again

          My god…she was doing it! She was actually over her stage fright! The look on everyone's faces blew her mind. Their eyes were popping out of their sockets, and their smile's grew with every word.

And it only hurts when I'm breathing  
My heart only breaks when it's beating  
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming  
So, I hold my breath--to forget

Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night  
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right  
I've never looked back--as a matter of fact

          She just couldn't stop. This was so fun! The audience was wonderful. They were listening to every word, every tune, and every pitch. It was just great.

And it only hurts when I'm breathing  
My heart only breaks when it's beating  
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming  
So, I hold my breath--to forget

Mmm, no, I've never looked back--  
as a matter fact.

          The song was almost over. Abby didn't want this experience to end. She was so into the song, it's surreal. She wished Carter was here to see her. She wished so bad. But he was behind her now. He'll never come back, and that was that.

_And it only hurts when I'm breathing  
My heart only breaks when it's beating  
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming  
So, I hold my breath--to forget_

Hurts when I'm breathing  
Breaks when it's beating  
Die when I'm dreaming  
It only hurts when I breathe…

          That's it. The song was over. The audience roared, and they all stood. "A standing ovation!! Wow!!" she thought. She bowed slightly and noticed Susan and Chen standing on their chairs whistling…rather loudly. She laughed so hard inside, but instead a single tear rolled down her cheek. She was living her dream. She was living Carter's dream for her. She was a success. 

          "They really like me…" Abby whispered, and she walked off the stage. She walked away from home.


	3. Lucky Day

**A/N: I know some of you are saying to yourself, "Abby sucks. She can't sing well." But I didn't know that that's why I said they might be a little out of character. Just ignore it. : )  plz no flames, but rnr.** Chapter 3: Lucky Day 

          "Oh my god Abby!! You were GREAT! I didn't know you could sing that well!" Susan practically screamed. Abby blushed slightly. "Yeah…well…"

          "Abby, it only takes true talent to sing so well, at a song like that. It's stock full of emotion…" Chen told her.

          "Well…I guess it was the perfect song, considering what happened to me and Carter. I just wished he were here throughout the whole song. I don't know. I can't describe it. A part of me is weeping inside, and the other is angry, and ashamed all at the same time. He left me. He left all of us. Some days I wonder how much he really loved me…" Tears were glittering in all three of their eyes. 

          Susan couldn't take it. "Abby don't ever think that. He would do anything, and I mean _anything_ for you. He loved you so much. That's why he left. If something did happen to him, I think you were the first thing that popping into his head."

          They sighed. Abby was about to speak, but was interrupted by a man who looked about in his forties. 

          "Hello ladies. Which one of you pretty gals was onstage singing?"

          "Uh…I was?" Abby sounded confused.

          "My goodness…I haven't heard a voice like that in a while. I am here looking for a new talent…and I think I've found one. Oh, and please excuse my manners. The name's Joe.  Joe Turner. I own a record company not far from here. I come here every single night, so I can try and find someone new. Someone who has a great voice…you know. Just hometown people. I think your it."

          Their eyes suddenly became golf balls. "Holy shit. Are you serious!? I am being offered a _recording job!?_" Abby couldn't breathe. She was so excited! This was her dream! This was Carter's dream! She could make it big! Carter was right! Wait…Carter. "This must be a sign. A sign he's alive. Maybe, just maybe…" she whispered. 

          "What was that ma'am?"

          "Oh…nothing. But uh…Mr. Turner, I don't really know…I have a job… as a nurse. I don't know if I can leave my life, my co-workers…my friends. Maybe I should think about this…"

          "Well miss…."

          "Abby…Abby Carter." The moment she said this she got strange glances from Susan and Chen. Abby just gave them a look that said "I'll tell you later."

          "Uh…I see that your busy…so here's my card. Call me once you've made your decision. Don't take too long now."

          Abby took the card from Mr. Turner. "Thanks." A smile crept across her lips as she read the card. "Man, this must be my lucky day…"


	4. A Couple Years Later and a LifeChanging ...

Chapter 4: A Couple Years Later and a Life-Changing Speech           "Mmmm…" I mumbled. "Abby?" Oh wait. She's not here. You're sitting in the middle of the jungle. You're dreaming Carter. And besides she wouldn't come back if you gave her all your money. Not after what you did to her. 

          _Slowly, I sat up. I miss her so much. But why in the hell does she have to haunt my dreams!? I can't even stop thinking about her…I sighed softly, and started making my way through the thick bundle of trees. Somehow, someway, I'm going to find my way back; Back to her. I will try my hardest to make her forgive me; Even if it took an eternity; an eternity without her. My worst nightmare. _

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_2 years later_

          Slowly, I approached the stage. I can't even believe I am going to do this. I glance at the cheering crowd. Posters, signs, and people are the only things I could see in this place. They really like me. What a great feeling. But you have to do this Abby you have to.

_          I took the microphone off the stand, and flashed a quick smile at the audience. "Hey everyone!"_

_          The crowd cheered. I took another deep breath, and began my speech…_

_          "Everyone, I am very glad you could make it here tonight. It means a lot to me. This has been the best two years of my life, and I wouldn't trade anything in for it. It was an awesome experience, which makes this even harder for me…to do this. Like I said, these past two years have been one big, exciting roller coaster ride for me, but…there are certain things people have to give up in life… _

_          "I wasn't even expecting for my career to go this far…I wasn't even planning on having a career! It was just luck. And it really did take me by surprise. But…before this life, I had another one: one that I really, really loved. I was a nurse at Cook County General Hospital. And at the beginning of my career, I swore to myself that I wouldn't be away from it for long. That is why I am planning to quit." The entire crowd gasped, and began sharing their confusion all at once. Slowly, a tear slid down my cheek as I began to finish._

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          Wow. I have **finally **made it back. Back at the hospital, everyone was happy to see me, thank god. They don't hate me. Why on earth would Abby be here? On second thought, maybe Jerry was pulling my leg…I don't know. I'll just wait here and see if I see…

No One's POV 

          John was cut short when he saw Abby up on stage. His breath was caught in his throat, and stumbled back in surprise. He waited in the crowd, as he tried to figure out this whole situation. Maybe she will explain if she ever talks to me again…he thought.

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          "If you think about it, this isn't that bad. I have two very successful albums out that you can buy anytime. I just won't be showing up anywhere fancy for a while, that's all. And I'm sure most of my fans out there know, that most of my songs are inspired by grief, and anguish. I lost someone I loved very much a long time ago. But he is out of my life now, and I have moved on with the rest of my life. Somehow this whole period has been a period of sadness and loneliness for me, and I want to get on with my life."

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          "Well that explains a lot…" I said aloud. I can't believe I hurt her like that.

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          "Sing for us!!" I heard someone yell to me from the crowd. I laughed. 

          "It seems as though someone from the crowd wants me to sing a final song…I think I'll do the one that got me started…" The crowd cheered. I cued someone behind stage to put on the music. "Track 2…" I whispered back to him. He nodded, and within seconds my song was playing.


	5. Dead Silence

_It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing_

_Chapter 5 – Dead Silence_

_            At the end of my song, the crowd clapped, and cheered. Nothing could make anyone feel this happy. As I looked amongst the building I saw a too-familiar face: The face of the person who betrayed me. The face of the person who left me heartbroken, the face of John Carter, #1 traitor of 2003._

_            My heart sped up as I finished up on stage. I said my final goodbyes and thank you's, and my bodyguard led me down the stairs, and off the stage. Many people came up to me, but surprisingly, a lot didn't. I guess they were giving me my space, and respecting my decision. Susan and Chen came up to me and led me to the girl's bathroom, which of course, was locked on the inside so no one could break in. _

_            "Wow…must have taken a lot to do that…" Susan said just above a whisper._

_            "Yeah…it did," I said. Chen was surprisingly quiet. "Chen…are you ok?"_

_            "I saw him, Abby…I saw John. He's here. Right now."_

_            "I know. I saw him too," I sighed with a frown. Dead silence surrounded us, and as if on cue, we heard a knock on the door._

_            Susan looked around at us, and pointed to the door. We both nodded. She went over to it and asked who it was…_

_            "It's Carter! I saw you guys go in there. I need to speak with Abby!"_

_            Too quickly, Susan shouted, "Well she doesn't want to talk to you!"_

_            Sounding hurt, John whined, "But I really need to! It's important."_

_            Reluctantly, I nodded. "Let him in."_

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_            I was so frustrated. I was just going to walk away. Walk away from her just like I did two years ago. But the sound of the lock turning made me stop. As I turned around, I saw Susan's worried, and frustrated expression as she led me in. Slowly, her and Chen made their way out of the door, and locked it behind them. Later, if they will let me talk to them, I should thank them for giving us some privacy._

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_            Once again, dead silence filled the room just like before. My mind was racing faster than a speeding bullet. Questions remained unanswered in my head. _Why is he back now? Does he still love me? Did I love him in the first place? Am I still mad at him? Is he mad at me? Should I stay mad at him for the rest of my life or should we start over? Does he want to? What does he want from me? _Almost like he was reading my mind, he spoke up._

_            "Listen, Abby…"_

_            "No. I don't wanna hear it!" And with that, I ran out of the bathroom, tears streaming down my face. It's like my world was a giant blur. I couldn't see anything. My eyes were burning, and they got wetter by the second. Making my way forward, not knowing where I was going, I could hear a faint voice behind me, calling out to me. He was following me, crying out my name. I could tell by the sorrowful sound in his voice that he was hurt by what I had done, and I didn't even know why I did it. Out of anger? Out of sorrow? I don't know. But something told me I had done the complete opposite of the right thing._

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_            Racing through the crowd I could see her. She was running away from me like a madman. Could you blame her? No. No, you couldn't. But I need to explain. Even if she doesn't listen. I need to explain myself, tell her that I'm sorry, and tell her that I love her._

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_            Finally. It's like I had been holding my breath until this very moment. I was out of that building and breathing in fresh air. Unfortunately, he was not far behind._

_            "Abby! Abbby!" he called out._

_            "WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME!?" I screamed at the top of my lungs._

_            "I'm sorry. Just, please, hear me out. You don't ever have to talk to me again, ever, as long as you hear me out."_

_            "Fine. Only so I don't have to ever see you again!"_

_            "Listen," he said, putting his hands on my shoulders. Surprisingly, I didn't tell him not to. "Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I don't even think I remember why I did it. I guess I was so scared to face life, and to face reality, that I threw away the only possible good thing in my life. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are worth more than life itself, and I will never, EVER forgive myself if I lose you._

_            "While I was in Africa, a lot of things happened. There were times where I was so close to death I could literally feel death taking me. The only thing that was running through my mind during those moments were you, and if I was ever going to see you again. Abby, I love you. I love you more than anything. I am so sorry I ever hurt you, and I regret every fight we had. If I could turn back time I would, trust me. I love you! So, so much." At this point there were tears forming in his eyes._

_            "And Abby, if you don't ever want to see, or talk to me again, I understand. I hurt you in every way possible, and that was unfair. I understand, really, I do." He sighed, lowered his head, and walked away. I could hear him sobbing as he was walking, and I did the unthinkable. With tears streaming down my face as well, I ran up to him, threw myself in his arms (when he turned around,) and kissed him like I've never kissed any man before._


	6. Love and Confusion, all Mixed In A Bowl

It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing

_Chapter 6: Love And Confusion, All Mixed In A Bowl_

_            Feeling his arms wrapped around my waist as he pulled me up was one of the greatest feelings ever. I was kissing him like I have never kissed a man before, and he was kissing me back. Soft and gentle was what they used to bed, this time, lustful and desirous. Meanwhile, each of our cheeks were stained with tears as they flowed freely down our faces. No one could ever take this man away from me…ever!_

_            Sobbing, we pulled away for oxygen. Breathing hard, his lip trembled. Just above a whisper, he spoke._

_            "Abby, oh Abby. You don't know how long I have wanted to do that. I missed you so much! All I have to say now, is thank you for taking me back after everything I did to you, and that I love you, and always will. This has surely been the greatest day of my life, not including the day I met you."_

_            Still sobbing, a smile spread across my face "Me too. Oh you don't even realize how much I've missed you…But I also have to say thanks. Thanks for taking me back, thanks for inspiring my singing career, and most of all, thanks for loving me. You are the only person I have really loved…not including Eric." We both laughed at that. With my feet still wrapped around his waist he took me away from my reality, and into a dream._

_A/N: sorry this is such a short chappy but I had to make the rest of the story a chapter…you see what I am saying when you read it…lol._


	7. The Difference Between Dreams And Realit...

It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing

_Chapter 7: The Difference Between Dreams And Reality_

            Smelling the sweet aroma of pancakes, butter, and maple syrup, my eyes fluttered open, ever so slowly. My warm bed not so warm anymore as my 3 kids, Alison, Alicia (twins) and my youngest, Noah, threw them off of me. Giggling the girls screamed, "Wake up mommy!" I jolted upward, and accidentally threw little Noah off the bed. Laughing like a crazy maniac he got up and said, "Daddy's making breakfast."

_            They jumped off my bed and ran down the stairs. "It was all a dream," I thought. "All a dream." Yawning, I sat up, and walked over to my dresser, where I started to change._

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_            "Breakfast, is served, my wonderful little darlings," I said as I set a plate full of pancakes, bacon, and eggs in front of my twin daughters. The giggled, which sometimes meant thank you. Today was mine and Abby's 7th anniversary, and I had a wonderful day planned for her. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her walking down the stairs. She took my breath away. Even at her age, she looked as gorgeous as ever. Yes! And she even has her tight pants on! Just for our anniversary…ah…gotta love her._

_            Sharing a long, and passionate kiss, we could here our kids laughing in the background, which was soon followed by a stampede of "Ew's." Laughing ourselves, we pulled apart, and I could see her mouth, "Later." _

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_            The day had flown by so quickly you wouldn't even believe it was a day! A baby-sitter had watched the kids, and John and I had flown to New York for a shopping spree. But of course, like all mothers probably do, we had bought the kids more things than us. _

_            That night was the most breathtaking night of my life. Knowing I love to ice skate, we had my favorite food, Chinese, out on the ice rink. Candles were lit in front of us, and ice skates were on my feet. After finishing up dinner, we sat at the table, about to give and receive our gifts._

_            "Abby, we have been together for so long now, and it's been well spent. If you had never taken me back, that scary 7 years ago, my life now would be a living nightmare. You have given me three wonderful children, and I thank you for it. I thank you for loving me, for caring for me, and bringing me back into your life. I have never met anyone with more strength, and dignity than you. You had the courage to follow your dream by finishing med school and becoming a doctor, and might I also add giving birth three times! Nobody can even come close to overcoming the things you went through. No one. Now I can see why I married you…" Holding out a hand, he gave me a small box. I opened it, and inside was a silver necklace. The locket at the bottom was also gold, and about the size of a penny. On the front, in the form of a flower, were the birthstones, of everyone I love._

_            In the middle was mine, a sapphire, and all around it, were the birthstones of the people who mean the most to me. Peridot for Eric, Emerald for Maggie, Diamond for the twins, Ruby for Noah, Topaz for Carter, and Anythyst for Susan (can't forget her!) With a tear slipping down my cheek, he put it on me. Now it was time for his presents. The first one was a coupon for anytime he wants to…you know. But only if I'm up to it. (I think he like that one the best.) And I also got him the platinum watch he's wanted for about three months. Once the gifts were given, the music started playing. Moving the table out of the way, we began to skate around the rink._

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_            That is exactly how I remember it back then…Back when we were young, I mean. Now we are a bunch of old prunes who sit around and watch TV all day. The kids bring their children over a lot, and that cheers us up. Alison with two boys, Jacob and Aaron, Alicia with one girl, Kaylee, and Noah, with a son and a daughter, Abby and John._


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